it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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