Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
