How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
do herpes really smell.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
His nipple licking is glorious
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