He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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