Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
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He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
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I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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