I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
