Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
