I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
