you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
