Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
