I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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