You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
