I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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