we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
