Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
