Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
