Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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