if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
