Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
