I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
