I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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