Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
