There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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