loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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