I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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