the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
