im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
