I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
