he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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