Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
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He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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