i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
