chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
