I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
