saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
