Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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