Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
