I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just gargled with NyQuil