I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
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you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
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It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.