I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.