i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway