oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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