I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
