I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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