I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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