the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
false alarm, still single
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
