I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
