In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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