I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
