We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
