I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Found your dick twin last night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
did i just pee glitter
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
