two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
