can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
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nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
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Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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