youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
