now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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