sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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