guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
