This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
