finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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